“How are you doing?”
Please don’t take offense to this because I realize that this is a very simple question that EVERYONE asks but I have come to HATE this question. I started hating it while our son was in the hospital. At that time, I didn’t know which end was up and I was getting by on sheer adrenaline. Now that my life has been shattered and I’m picking up the pieces every day, I hate it even more.
I will never get upset with someone for asking me this but there is one thing I will always promise, you will get an honest answer from me. Most people give the canned answer, “I’m good.” Well the truth is, I’m not good. I’m not great. I am surviving. I am getting by. I am alive. Those are the answers you will get from me. Every second of my day is filled with a mix of: sadness, confusion, shock, memories, emotional exhaustion, guilt, longing, denial, overwhelm and much much more. Then when you add taking care of and tending to a grieving 4 year old, running a household, trying to keep a marriage afloat when both of us are grieving differently, a constant barrage of messages (which I’m not complaining about and will always welcome), thoughts about how I want to honor my son, it’s a wonder to me how I get through a day. This is not easy, and I so wish this was not my story, but it is my story. I am constantly coming to terms with that. Our story needs to be shared and I will share it for as long as I live.
Some days, I might be ok. Some day I might even be able to say I’m good. I will always be broken. I will never be the same but one thing I will always be is honest. That is a guarantee.